This is probably the hardest blog I have ever written. I am doing it to help others, create awareness about abuse and coercive behavior.
Let me tell you a little about me, I am a mum and I am now in a happy healthy relationship (married for 4 years). I am an Chemical Engineer, BME volunteer and an advocate for women in abusive relationships.
I would like to share a bit of my story to empower women.
Let me tell you a little about me, I am a mum and I am now in a happy healthy relationship (married for 4 years). I am an Chemical Engineer, BME volunteer and an advocate for women in abusive relationships.
I would like to share a bit of my story to empower women.
Domestic abuse support launched in Nailsea, North Somerset April 2020.
Photo by AK
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Twelve years ago I was organizing my wedding and now I am giving a talk in Nailsea about Domestic Abuse.
How can a love story end up like that? I met my ex husband in 2006. He was travelling from Bristol to Argentina, he said he had been mugged in Mexico, so he got a job in a local restaurant in Lake Atitlan, where we met. I felt bad for him, however, on the opposite side it was love at first sight, he was the most charming person in my whole life. He will tell me fabulous stories, dedicate me poems and even did a big oil painting of me. I was in absolutely in awe! |
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As a Chemical Engineer in Guatemala, I made a very good living, used to travel a lot and had a good lifestyle.
I was working hard for a promotion to work In Red Lake, Ontario, Canada, witch eventually I secured. As I had a good income, I didn't mind sharing it. I was brought up with good morals, so I would lend him my car and money because he needed help. Little did I know down the line things would change for the worst. |
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I have to say, I did see some worrying signs: He got into a fight with a guy just for talking to me in a party, he gave drugs to my cousin and he bit the ear of another guy for making an advance on me. He spent the night in jail for it and he managed to convince me it was all because he loved me and he wanted to protect me. I was blinded by love.
I know now love is respect, not jealousy and control. |
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I always thought domestic abuse is somebody punching somebody, I never heard about other types of abuse.
I was naive and I paid for our wedding in Guatemala and in England, plus travelling and relocating expenses. Tools and a van for his business in the UK thinking he would build a future with me, however the emotional abuse started getting stronger and taking a toll on my mental health. He would always say "you are a bad mother" attacking my abilities even before our child was born. It was like a frog in hot water that doesn't jump when its hot and it stays when it boils. It is so gradual that when you realized you are walking on egg shells constantly. |
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I was in a new country, isolated from family and friends, didn't felt strong enough to confide in anybody. In hindsight I should have reached out for help, however it is very difficult because you feel ashamed and responsible for his actions. He would smoke weed and his behavior would change in no time. I was financially dependent on him since I was in the later stages of pregnancy.
It was very sad, later I found a hand written budget he done where I would get £20/week for food and he would buy cider, cigarettes and £80 worth of weed. When I would query this with him, he would explode. Once I bought a £1 scrunchie for me and he went mental. I now now about the cycle of abuse: start in the honeymoon period, the tension builds and the explosion at the end. Sometimes this would go quite slow, other times the cycle will be quite fast. At this point I was suffering from anxiety with a reason. |
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He have been trying to deportate me back to Guatemala without my daughter. Then he called mental services saying I was bipolar and I could hear voices (none of witch I did). I was in a very vulnerable position with nobody to turn to. I was really worried. After they assessed me, they were the first ones to say to me I was a potential victim of domestic abuse. That time in my life is all a blur, I was in shock. You cannot believe what is happening and it is all very scary and confusing. When you finally take the courage to speak to family or friends, not all believe you. It is very hard. He kicked me out of the house and kept Jasmine, I had the fantastic support of North Somerset Council who supported me when I was homeless. Now I know, is the best thing that could have happened to me. I managed to go to the Phoenix Programme and learn about Domestic Abuse and coercive behavior. It has taken me years to get to this point that I can tell my story and hopefully empower other women to take action.
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Now, I am proud to say, I have been a Domestic Abuse advocate on National radio, community groups and local events in Weston-super-Mare and Nailsea. Domestic Abuse can happen to ANYONE.
"Helping others has given me more purpose, it has helped me in my own recovery and I want my daughter to learn from my experience".
Cllr Mark Canniford talking at the Nailsea launch, April 2020
"I have been able to claim back my life and rediscover my confidence. I have a supportive husband who will back me in my work and what I am doing, without him I would have found it a struggle. It has taken me years to get to this point but I value those in my life who have helped me get here."
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You can learn more at https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
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